Lost Love, Lost Heart
by ThePhoenixOfTears
Summary: Love. This one word is so small, yet it caused me great pain. I loved him. He loved her. I never told him how I loved him for…Just being him. This is about a person who lost everything. Their love, their heart, their happiness. This is my story. *Edited*


**Hey! PhoenixOfTears here! So this is my very first story, so to be on the safe side, it's going to be a one-shot.  
>Disclaimer: I DO <strong>**NOT**** OWN NARUTO, NOR THE QUOTE!**

**Quote for the story: Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.**

**Man, I've always wanted to do that. XD Anyways hope you like the story and that you'll review it when you're done! I already edited everything, and changed it a bit, because I didn't really think it was that good before, so... Yeah... Hope you enjoy it! And now, OFF WE GO! ^_^**

**BTW there's an important A/N at the bottom. Please read all of it!**

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><p><strong>A lost love, a lost heart:<strong>

Today started out like any other ordinary day for me. I woke up at and got ready for work. I made breakfast which, as always, consisted of eggs with toast and orange juice and an apple. I washed the dishes, left my apartment and walked down the familiar battered road. The sweet elderly lady who owns the little food stand smiled and greeted me, as I passed by. Like always, I said hello and gave her one of my fake smiles, which now seemed to come naturally. I continued walking down the road until I reached my workplace, a small little herb shop. I entered the little shop and settled myself behind the counter.

My boss, Yoko (she's a very kind lady who gave me a job when life was tough for me), asked me to do the deliveries. She would usually ask my co-worker, Mai, to do the deliveries, but today Mai was extremely sick, so she wasn't able to come to work. Giving her one of my infamous fake smiles, I agreed and set out to deliver the herbs. Once I left the safety and confinement of the little herb shop, I trudged slowly to my destination. Looking around, I slowly take in the beautiful blue sky, the laughter of the children, and the chatter of the market place. While I continued down this path, my heart started to feel heavier and heavier, as I was bombarded with the same memories that I wish to cherish, but at the same time, to forget. But, I knew that no matter how hard as I tried, I could never forget him. I knew that no matter what I would never _want_ never forget him... The man who was my best friend ever since childhood. The man who was always there for me whenever I needed him. The man who changed my life... The man I fell in love with... The man I lost...

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><p>Even though it's been a little over a decade since that day, I can still remember it so clearly, as though it had happened just yesterday. I was eight at the time and I was still happy and a happy-go-lucky girl. But I soon realized that in this world, not everybody will be nice to me. Not everybody will be kind to me like my mother, or friendly like my neighbor, Tami. I realized that, despite my previous belief that ninjas suffered the most pain because they had to shoulder the death of their comrades, and because sometimes the safety of the village and its' people depended on their decisions, villagers could get hurt too. But, what is it that led me to this realization, you ask? Well, it started out with a couple of boys, which led to a whole chain reaction of events.<p>

My day started out quite well. I ate breakfast, and went over to Tami's apartment to play with her new kitten. I had a lot of fun. Then later, my mom asked me to go out and do a little errand for her. Hoping that she would agree to let me have a kitten of my own if I behaved well, I immediately agreed. As quickly as I could, I set out with a couple of Ryo, a grocery list and a hopeful heart. While I was on my way to the store, I was distracted, thinking about what my cute little kitten would look like and what I could call it. I didn't really notice where I was walking, but my feet somehow knew how to get to the store.

I kept on walking in, still stuck in la-la land, when I suddenly crashed into another guy, who looked about 2 years older than me. I got back onto my feet and quickly apologized for bumping into him. Unfortunately, he wasn't really forgiving, so he didn't exactly accept my apology. According to him and his friends, he was superior to me, because he was in the academy and I wasn't. That got me pretty upset, because I didn't think the status mattered. And even if ninjas _were_ considered superior to common villagers, it didn't exactly mean that this boy here was superior to me. We were all still kids, so that means, we were kind of like equals. They didn't think that though, so they started pushing me around and calling me names. Sure, they used names like 'fatso' and 'ugly' and petty little insults (well, compared to the insults I hear nowadays), but I was eight, so they were really mean names for me.

I tried standing up from the ground where they kept me, and walk away with the last few shreds of dignity I had left, but they didn't let me. I was trying hard not to cry so I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing my vulnerability, but I felt that resolve slowly fade away. Finally, I had enough and made a desperate move. I swung my feet as hard as I could at the back of the leader's knees so that he would fall. When the others helped the leader get up, I made a break for it. I started running away, my little legs going faster than they normally would, due to the adrenaline running through my veins. The boys started to run after me, making me panic. I started doing sharp turns and running around, not knowing where I was heading. The only thing going through my head was escape. After a while of running, I stopped in what looked like a training field, and strained to hear if the boys were still chasing after me. Luckily, it seemed that I lost them, so I sat at the base of a tree, and curled myself into a small helpless ball, as I broke down sobbing. Like I said before, I was 8 at the time, so the insults hurt. That was when I met _him_.

I was still crying at the base of the tree, when I felt something warm touch my shoulder, and a gentle voice asking me whether or not I was okay. When I looked up, the first thing I saw were his blue eyes. They were as blue as the sky, and filled with concern. I saw that his head was tilted to the side a bit and was covered with blond hair that framed his face. That picture, that image still haunts me this very day. I continued to cry and I continued to cry, feeling safe near this boy. Maybe it was his soft voice, or maybe it was how he looked at me with concern like my father did, but I told him about my incident with the group of guys. As soon as I started talking, he stepped beside my curled body, and sat down right next to me. As I continued to talk, his blue eyes never left my tear-stained face, while I continuously cried throughout my story. He never got annoyed or impatient from my crying though. By the time I finished my story, I felt empty. Not empty as though I was void of my emotions, but empty, as though I couldn't cry anymore. As though I had no more tears left inside.

After I was done, we sat in a comfortable silence. Well it wasn't exactly silent, because of my sniffling, but that's beside the point. After a few seconds of silence, he started to talk, striking up a conversation. We didn't talk about something meaningful or anything, we just talked about random stuff, like the weather. It wasn't much, but I felt better. Soon, I got up and explained to him that I had to go grocery shopping and return home soon or my mom would start to panic about, and he volunteered to help me out, to make everything easier. He told me he didn't have much to do and he was bored, so he should help out his friend in need. Smiling through my tears, I thanked him and accepted his hand, when he stood up. I happily walked back to the village with him, because I felt happy that I had friend and because I didn't have to carry everything home, all by myself.

Now, I love my mom and all that, but when she goes shopping, she goes shopping. She's not one of those people who shop only for what they need. She's one of those people who somehow managed to make shopping a sport, even if it's just grocery shopping. So, I was incredibly grateful to him, since he ended up carrying basically everything except the 2 bags I carried. I was actually astounded to how strong ninjas (well ninja-to-be in his case) were. He didn't mind though, saying that it was good training for him, so I didn't feel _that_ guilty. Thankfully for him, our apartment was on the second floor, so he didn't have to go up a lot of sets of stairs. When we got to my apartment, I quickly unlocked my door, and ushered him inside, since he was carrying an armload of groceries. The pile of bags he carried was actually very close of touching the top of the door frame. Once he put them down in the kitchen, I introduced my new friend to my parents. He told that he had to go home soon, and bade me good-bye, leaving me extremely happy, because I got the kitten I wanted. You see, I wanted a kitten, because I always felt lonely during the day, since my only friend was my next-door neighbor Tami, but even then it wasn't really comforting, since she was 5 years older than me. And that day, I made my first friend who was about my age. I knew, at that moment, that we would be great friends.

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><p>It turned out that my prediction of us becoming great friends was true. As the days passed, we started learning more and more about each other. Soon, we were almost joined at the hip, doing a lot of our daily chores with each other. We also knew everything about each other. I knew about his dream to become the Hokage. We both knew of each others love of books and he knew about my love for the color blue. I never considered it odd that we were of different genders, and still the best of friends. I didn't really think it mattered. We still had other friends too, but I could safely say, he was my absolute best friend, as I was his. We would always teach each other things. He taught me a little bit of stuff he learned from the academy ( Like how to throw stuff, or defend myself, if need be, without hurting myself in the process) and I taught him what I learned from books, and living as a villager (I mostly taught him how to cook because I found out he couldn't stop burning food, whenever he tried).<p>

But, a year later, everything changed. When I was nine, and he was ten, he graduated from the academy. I was unbelievably happy and proud of him. He was a ninja, and one step closer to his dream. Unfortunately, we spent less and less time together, because he was always doing d-ranked missions, and training. After getting permission from his sensei, I started coming to his training, and would offer my encouragement. They were pretty nice, and I made a point of bringing food with me during their training sessions, after noticing how tired they were after training. His sensei was really easy-going, nice and a bit laid-back, until they started training. Then he would be more serious, and always pressuring to do their best, and improve. His other team-mates were really nice to me. The five of us got along well.

Even though I was able to watch him train with his team, that didn't stop me from missing him during his missions. After every mission, he would always talk to me happily, about everything that happened. He didn't know about how much I missed him during the missions. How hurt I was during the time he was busy, because he wasn't there, during the time I needed him the most. I was hurting inside, but I just couldn't tell him. I wanted to let my tears out so badly, but every time I saw his smile, I just couldn't tell him. That smile of his, would always let me forget about my family, even if it's just for that small moment.

My family was getting torn apart, bit by bit. My parents were constantly arguing about the smallest things and I was constantly in tears, hiding in my room, trying to block out every word. No one knew ever knew about the fights, because we would never talk about it. It was always just taboo. Whenever we ate dinner, we would just pretend. We would pretend that they never fought. We would pretend that we were a happy family. My parents would pretend that they love each other. I would pretend that I wasn't crying on the inside. But that didn't stop it from hurting me. It hurt me to see them argue. It was worse when we just tried to pretend it never happened, because I knew it happened, but I just kept all the tears inside. The absolute worst was when my parents didn't talk at all. When they didn't say a word to each other. When they talked to me as though the other wasn't there. I was always caught in the middle of it, and I was just completely exhausted. It was as though all the tears I was building up in was, was tiring me out. But I kept my facade whenever I was with him. I kept acting as though nothing was wrong, because I didn't want to bring him down. I didn't want him to lose that smile, even for a second, because that smile would always save me.

But that wasn't the only thing that changed. There's another girl in his life. Now, that wouldn't have really bothered me, because I knew I would always be his best friend. What bothered me was how she didn't want to be in any part of it. She would always make fun of him and made it clear to him that she wasn't interested in him. That he would never be good enough for him. That would always make me upset. It hurt me to see him hurt, the way he was from rejection. But there was one thing that hurt me the most. It was worse than my parents fighting. It was worse than seeing him hurt. It was how he would never let her go. I just didn't understand why he didn't forget about her. I wished he would, but for some reason he didn't. If she keeps hurting him, then why didn't he forget about her? I didn't understand why it hurt me to hear him talk about her. I just assumed it was because she kept on hurting him.

But despite my pain, I continued on with my life and trying to act as though I were alright, while I kept secretly wishing that I was.

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><p>It's been about 3 years since my blond friend became a genin. Then, thing took a turn for the worse. For the first time, in about 5 years, we going into an argument. It wasn't one of those small petty little arguments. It wasn't when two people exchange insults, ignored each other for a while, and then just start talking again, because they just forgave each other. No, it was a full-on screaming and crying and hitting argument. Well, the screaming, crying and fighting was mostly on my part. He didn't scream. He never screamed. He just never did it, no matter how angry or upset he was. He had a better control of himself, unlike me. Whenever I was extremely angry, I would scream, and let the whole world know how upset I was. Usually, I would try to stay calm, whenever I was angry or upset in situations that involved him, because he was my best friend. But this time, I couldn't control myself. I started screaming at him, and I hit him several times. He just spoke in his quiet and tight voice. He didn't even flinch when I hit him, but I can't say I'm surprised. I'm not exactly the strongest person.<p>

Why were two best friends of approximately five years, arguing and fighting, you may ask. Well, the answer to that question is quite simple. Her. We were arguing because of her, the girl who I disliked so much, at the time. I just disliked her. The girl who kept on hurting my best friend. The girl who stole my blonde friend away from me. The girl who became the only thing my friend cared about. I was hurt. I felt the same way I felt before I became friends with my blonde boy. I felt lonely. I felt lonely, because I felt unwanted. My parents were too busy arguing to even care. My blond friend was only focused on that...witch. I felt as though I simply didn't belong anymore. That...banshee, she didn't care about him, while he wouldn't stop pursuing her. It just made me terribly angry that he never understood that she didn't like him.

This is what happened. The insolent girl got caught. She got into a load of trouble. Not for something simple, such as a prank gone completely wrong. No, the little wench got kidnapped. She got kidnapped by a few Kumogakure ninjas, and he wanted to save her. I caught up to him, just as he was about to leave, and to say I was furious was an understatement. I felt angrier than I have ever been. I felt more upset than I have ever been. It was worse than hearing my parents constantly argue. It was worse than thinking that he only thought about her. It was worse than my loneliness. I just couldn't believe it. He was getting himself killed, for a girl who wouldn't _ever_ give him the time of the day. I didn't exactly dislike her for any actual aspect of her personality. She was alright. It was just the thought of how my blonde friend only thought of her. How he only cared for her. How she had him under her so-called 'charm'. I didn't want her to be killed or anything. I'm not cruel. I just didn't understand why he should risk his life to save hers, when she would never do the same for him. She would never try to save him, so why should he? Besides, stronger ninjas are also going to try and save her, so she'll be fine, right?

When I tried telling him that, he became incredibly angry. His eyes were slitted, and he was glaring at me, as though he wished I were dead. At that moment, I felt my world was spinning like crazy. He glared at me and said to me that he loved her more than anything, and was willing to give away his life, if it meant being able to save her. He told me that I wouldn't understand, because in the end, I was still going to be little girl. At the moment, my whole world crashed. I was beyond hurt. I felt as though my heart was shred to piece. Tears started welling in my eyes, and I clenched my fists tightly to hold them back, just for a little while. Raising my hand, I slapped him and angrily screamed at him that, he was a liar, because he once told me that he would never turn his back on his friends, and that he wouldn't hurt me, because I was one of his precious people. I screamed that he should hurry and go save his precious almighty queen and forget about me, because apparently, it was worth hurting one of his precious people, so long as she's okay. After that, I turned around and stormed away, my vision blurred with tears. I heard him call my name out a few times, but I just screamed to him that his precious little banshee is waiting for him as my tears started to fall.

I continued walking angrily wiping my tears away. I stopped my tears from falling, as I walked around aimlessly. I didn't know where I was going... Where could I go? Home? Where was that? The place I live with my parents? No... My parents will probably be too busy arguing to notice or even care about me... With my best friend? No... My blond friend obviously didn't care about me at all... The only thing he would ever care about, is that...thing... Where could I go? Where's the one place I belong? Where is my home? Not knowing what else to do, I started to head to the one place I knew I could be alone. I started to head up. Literally. I started to climb the numerous flights of stairs, to my destination. I climbed up to the top of the Hokage mountain. This was our favorite place to be. We would watch the sun set together, and just enjoy each others company. I felt open here.

I sat down on the mountain, at the base of a tree, and began to cry. I was lonely. My blonde friend left me for that girl. My parents wouldn't notice that I was gone. They wouldn't even notice me if I was bawling my heart out. I was never wanted. I was always lonely. 'You're just a little kid/girl'. How many times have I heard that? I lost count a long time ago. 'This is a grown-up problem, sweetie. You wouldn't understand, you're just a little girl' my parents would tell me, if I ever asked what they were arguing about. 'No you can't come. You're a little kid, and this is for us older girls' my neighbor and ex-friend Tami would always tell me, whenever I asked if I could hang out with her and her friends. I don't know why I ever considered her my friend. She doesn't care about me at all. She only cares about putting on make-up and looking pretty for all the men, who only use her for their own pleasure, you can interpret that whichever way you want. I could never understand. I'm always just going to be a 'little kid' or a 'little girl'. Unable to contain them anymore, my tears started falling. Bringing my knees in, I started to bawl my heart out, just wishing for once, that I can feel loved. As I continued to cry, I felt something warm touch my shoulder. It was like déjà vu. The whole moment felt eerily familiar. It was like the first time I met my blonde friend. I looked up, and I saw an elderly man. I didn't recognize him, but I knew who he was from the outfit. He was the hokage, the leader of the village. That was the first time I saw him.

"Why do you cry, little one? Why do you shed these tears" he asked, in a raspy voice, his kind face staring down into mine.

"That's all I'm going to be!" I wailed as I continued to bawl. I didn't care what happened. My heart was in pain, being squeezed so tightly, it felt like it would burst. I just wanted to be loved. "I'm always going to be a 'little girl' or 'little kid'."

"Well, of course you are." The hokage said. As soon as I heard that, my head shot up. "You'll always be considered a little girl to me, because I'm always going to be considered an old man, to you. When you're older, you could be 30 years old, but you'll still consider me an old man, because I'm older than you. And I will consider you a young girl, because you're that much younger than me. That's just the way it is. Now why don't you tell me a bit about the source of your tears. That one dark place in your heart that seems to swallow you in despair."

With that, I started to talk. I'm not exactly certain why I told him. Maybe it was because his kindness and concern for me, reminded me of my blond friend, which comforted yet saddened me. Maybe it was because my heart couldn't take that much pain, anymore. Maybe it was because of the tears I was shedding... I don't know. All I know is that I told him. I told him how I left lonely. How my best friend (But I didn't say who, I don't know why, I just didn't though) didn't seem to care about me anymore, only focusing on a girl, who couldn't care less about him. How my parents are too busy arguing to notice my pain. How my parents don't seem to care about my pain. How my heart is torn up because I'm feeling so lonely. How I just wanted to feel loved. How I want to be able to find my home, the one place I belong. Throughout my story, he stayed quiet, as I cried.

"It seems as though you have a lot on your plate." He said to me, after I was done.

"But what do I do?" I sniffled quietly, because I seemed to be unable to cry anymore.

"I don't know..." He answered quietly. "Many consider me a wise man, but I can't find an answer to your question. I never will. The only one who can find the answer is yourself. It can be compared to a little seed. Only a seed knows how fast it grows. Only it can control the number of leaves it grows. Others can only help and try to guide and nurture it... But there's something quite obvious in your tale."

"What's that?" I inquired.

"It seems..." He began, a soft smile appearing on his face. " that you truly and deeply love him... Your best friend..." And with that, he said good-bye and wished me luck...

At that, my heart stopped for a second of two... I... loved him? But... He was my best friend. Sure I care about him... but was it in the same sense the hokage had said... Did I... love him like that... Could I? That's when I remembered... The way I was constantly hurt whenever I saw him upset. The way I always wanted to see him smile... The way his smile constantly saved me from the pit of sadness where my heart should have been. The way I always wanted to protect it... the way it hurt me, when he told me that he loved her... Was it all because of... love? Did I really like him like that? Do I love him? Whenever I was upset, or in tears, I would always know that I can depend on him to be there for me... Did I love him? ...I think I...did... I...loved... my best friend... But he didn't... love... me, did he... I had no idea what to do, in that situation...

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><p>I had no idea what to do... My blond friend was back... And I had no clue what I should do... I was determined to fix the rift we had before he left. But... What would I do after that? Would I... tell him? Would I just pretend...? What would I do? I was so confused, as I walked to the hospital. I was so nervous. My stomach felt like it was tied up in knots. Even the knots and knots in them. I just had no idea what I was supposed to do... As I was about to enter his room, I stopped. I heard voices... And laughter? But... that sounded like... the girl... why would she be with him... unless... I felt my blood freeze... It couldn't have been what I thought it was... Could it... Taking a few deep breaths, I entered the room. There, I saw him sitting on his bed, and leaning back, and the girl, sitting in a chair, both smiling happily. When I entered, they both stared at me for a second and then the girl excused herself, her walk had a bit of a skip in it... What?<p>

Once I sat down in the chair the girl just got out of, we both stayed silent. It felt awkward... Why did it feel so awkward? I started to fidget trying to figure out something to say. Usually, conversation between the two of us would come naturally but things were so weird now. I didn't know whether or not I was supposed to apologize, or not. I mean, I did and said some things that were rather mean... But his words...they hurt me so much... I just didn't know what to do. So, I went with my gut and did the first thing I could think of. I apologized for the things I said. He seemed to accept my apology, and apologized for what he said. Well, he just apologized for upsetting me. He didn't exactly know why it had hurt me so much. After that, our argument seemed to fade away.

He started to tell me about how he saved her. It was just like when he had a mission. We would sit and he would just update me on everything single detail of the mission. He told me about how he saved her, where the kidnappers took her, and just about every single detail. I just nodded at the right parts, not really knowing what I could say. When he told me about how the girl decided to give him a chance, I felt as if my whole world stopped moving. I felt as if the last light in my life was gone. As though I was stabbed multiple times in the heart. It felt as though my heart was torn from my chest and ripped to shreds. Forcing a smile onto my face, I celebrated with him, even though I was crying inside. I did exactly what I always did. I started to pretend.

For the first time, he finally noticed my inner turmoil and his smile immediately vanished. He worriedly asked me if I was alright. Forcing my smile even bigger, I smiled and told him that I was perfectly fine. He beckoned me to sit down on the edge of the bed and so I did. When I sat down, his pools of blue stared directly into my gray ones, as he asked why I was lying to him. It was the first time he saw through my lies... Or did he know all this time, but thought that I would tell him when I felt like it... But why now? Why ask me now, during the moment I wanted the least, for him to notice.

My tears started to come again, I couldn't stop them from falling. The pain was unbearable, and everything I kept inside came pouring out. Well, almost everything came out. There was just one thing that I couldn't tell him. As I continued to cry, I told him about my parents. I told him how it hurt me to see them fight every day, and over the pettiest things. I told him how it hurt, because they always said to me, that I would never understand, because I was always a kid. I told him how I thought that they would separate, and how I though they didn't love each other anymore. I told him how I though they didn't love _me_ anymore. I told him how my neighbor is becoming more and more distant, because I was just a little girl to her. I told him a little how I felt about in terms of him... Very little. I told him how it always hurt me to see him hurt because of the girl. I told him about how I didn't want to see him hurt. I told him how I felt as though I were nothing more than a distant memory for him. I told him how I felt about feeling unloved. I told him about how I felt lonely.

During my whole breakdown, he continuously comforted me, wordlessly. When I told him about my, parents, he put an arm around my shoulders. When I told him about how I felt as though he didn't care about me anymore, he pulled me in, and hugged me. When I told him how I felt unloved and lonely, his arms around me tightened but I just started to cry even hard. Sure, I was upset because of my parents, but that wasn't the reason why it hurt. Sure, I felt lonely and unloved, but that wasn't the reason why. Sure, I felt as though he didn't care, but that wasn't the reason why. The tears I cried weren't the reason. The reason was that I loved him, but he was in love with the girl. The reason I cried harder, was because, while I technically still had him, I had also lost him at the same time. The reason was because of this unrequited love.

After I was done telling my story, he started to apologize, and the arms he had around me never left. As he apologized, one hand was gently smoothing my hair. He apologized to me for make me feel as though he didn't care for me. He apologized for never considering my feelings. He apologized for not being a good as a friend as he should have been. But that didn't cheer me up by much at all. I didn't want him to feel guilty. I just wanted him to know about how much I cared. I wanted him to know about how I really felt about him. I just wanted him to know that I… But I couldn't get those few words out of my mouth. It was just amazing how those few words, could be so small, yet be so hard to say. It shouldn't have been so hard, but I just couldn't get those few words out, as I leaned onto his shoulder, with tears in my eyes, while he silently hugged me, and straightened my hair. Soon, visiting hours were over, and with a heavy heart and a ton of unshed tears, I left the hospital, feeling worse than when I first came in.

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><p>Years later, he became in charge of a group of genins. I would always come along and watch them train, and give verbal support. It was just like when he was a genin, except it was a lot more interesting with his genins. There was a loud one, a too-cool-for-you and stoic one and one that's basically stuck in between the two of them. As amusing his genins were, it sometimes hurt me to be there. The reason? Sometimes, <em>she<em> would be there too. Every time I saw them together, it would just tear me apart, but I would always smile and act as though nothing were wrong. I would always pretend even though I envied her so much. I wanted to be her so badly. I wanted to be able to hug him the way she was able to. I wanted to be able to be lost in his blue eyes, like she was able to. I wanted to joke around and giggle with him, the way she was able to. Most of all, I wanted him to smile to me like the way he smiled to her.

Whenever he smiled at me, I saw friendly, caring and happy eyes. But when he smiled at her… When he smiled at her, it was completely different. When he smiled at her, it was like she was the only thing he saw. When he smiled at her, his eyes would be filled with love and devotion. It looked as though she was the only thing he wanted, not in a perverted sense of course, and that one thing he needed to survive. It looked as though he would do anything, and go to incredible lengths, just for her.

That was what hurt me the most. The love and the devotion he had for her, it just killed me to see it, because I would always wish that it was for me. To me, their love was bitter-sweet. It was sweet because he was happy. Every since they became an item, he became happier. His smiles seemed bigger, and his eyes looked brighter than they ever had before. But it was bitter for me, because my childhood friend, my true love… He didn't love me, the way I loved him. He only loved her. I tried to find another guy. I tried dating other villagers and ninjas alike, but every single time, there was never a connection. Every time, I would try to forget about him, and find another guy. Every time, I would try to think of him as just a friend. But every time I tried, I would always fail miserably. I felt terrible, because I felt liked I failed everything. I failed at finding someone I could love. I failed at fixing the relationship between my parents. I failed at keeping my neighbor a friend. I failed at telling my best friend the truth. The only thing I did well was pretend. At the end of the day, I would lie in my bed, with tears in my eyes, because I was falling in love, but I couldn't stop my fall, or float, or fly.

* * *

><p>Fast-forward a few years. Now, I was crushed. I felt all hope leave me. I felt the only light I had left slowly fade away, leaving me in the darkness. I fell as though I couldn't do anything anymore. I felt as though I didn't <em>want<em> to do anything anymore. I was dreading that date for months, and now, all I can feel is absolute pain… The two… They were finally getting married… married. When I first heard it, I did what I did best, I started to pretend. I flashed the best smile I could muster up and started celebrating with them. I gave him a bear hug, and jumped up and down with her, while holding each other and screaming. As much as I wished she didn't, she considered me a really close friend since I was his best friend. In reality though, I was in pain. I was absolutely torn, but I kept my smile on my face. I never stopped pretending.

Once we finished celebrating, I walked home, as I started to fully understand what it meant, now that they were engaged. Once I reached the safety and confinement of my house, I felt everything break. I felt my heart breaking and shattering into small, miniscule pieces, and each and every one of them drowned in the pain and the sorrow I had inside. I started to cry every single tear I kept inside. I started to bawl. I started to shout. I started to scream. I started throw everything around, and destroying everything. I was basically having a tantrum. I was an emotional wreck. I was upset at him, because he couldn't see how much I loved him. But, most of all, I was upset at myself, for not being able to let him know.

I felt that the gods understood my pain and despair. I felt that they felt sad, as they watched as I slowly became nothing more than a pitiful, bawling and pathetic figure. I felt that way, because it was raining heavily outside. It was a terrible storm. It covered up every single sound I made. It covered the sound of smashing glass. It covered the thumps of objects such as chairs were thrown at the wall. It covered the sounds of ripping. It covered the sound of my screams.

And then, there I was sitting in the small audience as I watched the two of them get married. There I was sitting there, as I saw her walk down the aisle. There I was sitting there, as I saw him give her a smile that was always reserved for her. Always. There I was sitting there, as I felt my heart continuously shatter. I never understood how it was able to keep breaking and shattering, but somehow, it did. I will admit though, grudgingly, that she really did look great. I felt terribly envious and jealous, but it wasn't the first time, of course. She had everything I wished I was able to have, She was everything that I could only dream of being. And my friend? He was a spectacular sight. His golden and sunny hair fell down and framed his face nicely. His blue eyes were filled with happiness, love and devotion.

I continued to sit in the audience, even though I wished I didn't have to. It was one of those scene that hurt to see, but at the same time you can never tear your eyes away. I couldn't tear my eyes away as the two of them became a family. I slowly started to feel the urge to get up and breakdown crying. I felt the urge the tell him how I really felt, but I knew I couldn't. It was already too late. She was his everything. She was the one the only thing he loved. She was the only thing he needed. Thankfully, the ceremony was soon over. Keeping my fake smile on my face, I walked up to them again to congratulate them. After the party for the couple ended, I was beyond exhausted. I felt more tired than I have ever felt in my life. My exhaustion must have been obvious, because he offered to walk me home while I was leaving. I declined his offer as I thought miserably about how he didn't understand why I was so tired. He didn't understand that I wasn't tired because of the dancing, but because it took me so much energy to prevent myself from crying.

As I walked home, it started to rain, and so I changed direction and headed into the training grounds and started to cry. I cried and cried and wished that the pain will go away. I cried and hoped that the next day would be better.

* * *

><p>It's been about 4 years since the two of them got married. During that time, my best friend was able to achieve his dream. He was became Hokage, and after that she became pregnant. And then, it was that last time… It was the last time I would be able to see him. It was the last time I would be able to talk to him. There he was, in the midst of our broken and terror-ridden village. He was wearing his Hokage robe, which had been torn and painted red with his blood. She was lying down there, right next to him. They were struggling to stay upright while holding their baby in their arms. Unable to stop myself, I screamed and started to run towards them. I tripped multiple times over some rubble, but I ignored the long gashes I got from falling down. The only thing I could think of, at the time, was to run. I was only thinking of getting to my friend on time.<p>

Once I got there, they gave me a grateful smile. I tried to lift them up and find a doctor or something, but they wouldn't let me. They pushed their child into my arms and asked me to do them a favor. They asked me to take care of their little baby. They asked to me always hold him and comfort him whenever he needed it. They asked me to be his protector, because they knew that the villagers might not accept him, because of the trauma many will have to deal with, after the incident. They touched their babies faces gently and asked me to do my best to give their baby their love, and my own as well. They told me to help him be brave.

By that time, I was hysterical. The man I loved, the man I would have died for, was lying down right in front of me, dying before my very eyes. And his wife as well. As much I disliked her for the pain I had to endure, for stealing my friend's heart, I didn't want her _dead_. I was crying my eyes out, just like when I had found out about the marriage. I was crying, and I just couldn't stop. But I wasn't the only one. My friend and his wife were crying too, along with their new born baby. But unlike me, they weren't crying because of a selfish reason. They were crying because of the loss of lives. Because their baby boy would suffer from the villagers' hate. They were crying because they knew he would be shunned. He would be the village pariah. They were sobbing because they had to leave everything behind.

While we all cried, I tried my best to stop. And when I failed at that, I tried to comfort the baby, but to no avail. She looked at her son and told him that she loved him. Her voice was raspy, and her skin was as white as the snow. She was dying. She lost too much blood. Her breaths were shallow… And soon, they were non-existent. She was gone. I knew that he would be next. I knew that my blond-haired and blue-eyed man would be next. The man I loved was going to leave me, and I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted to tell him about my feelings, everything. I wanted to tell him before he passed away, but I just couldn't bring myself to form those words. He whispered to his baby that he'll always be with him, and then he turned his head to look into my teary gray eyes. He told me that he loved me as a sister, and as he said those last few words, his eyes started to droop and his breath subsided.

To say I was crushed was an understatement. My whole body felt numb, as though I had stayed out in the cold for too long. My heart felt as though it had stopped pumping blood. That's when I lost it. I placed the baby on his mother and I cried. I cried hard, even harder than the new born baby right next to me. I remember screaming to him "NO! Please! Don't leave me! No! Please! I'm begging you! Don't do this to me! Wake up! WAKE UP! Please! You broke your promise! You promised me that you'll never leave me! You promised me that you wouldn't hurt me! Please! I-I love you! Don't leave me… Minato… Please…You're the most important person to me...Please Minato… I'm begging you..."

But I knew it was too late. I knew that no matter what I did, Minato couldn't hear a thing that I said. He would never know how I really felt about him. He would never know how much I cared… I never told him. I was always too scared to say a thing, and now, when I finally get the courage to say it, he couldn't hear it…

* * *

><p>It's now the present and I just finished making the deliveries in place of Mai. I am exhausted. The memories I had of me and Minato were coming back to me, no matter how hard I tried to forget. I didn't want to remember the pain, the tears I shed. But at the same time, I wanted to remember him. I wanted to remember how the two of us would laugh together, and how we were the best of friends. By the time I get back to the store, I find the door locked. Taking out the spare key Yoko gave me, I unlocked the door and entered the herb shop. On the counter was my pay-check along with a letter. It was a letter from Yoko, thanking me for making the deliveries. Taking out a pencil, I wrote something on the back. I locked the door and left the store, leaving the spare key and my earnings inside.<p>

As I walked, I was continuously bombarded with memories. Of Minato and I running around, doing errands for my mother. Of us just enjoying each others company. Of us hanging out with his team mates. Of us smiling, and enjoying the bright and sunny days here in Konoha. The most frequent memory was of him on October 10th. I could never forget about that one day. I could never forgive myself for never telling Minato how I really felt, until it was too late… As I walked to apartment, I saw little Naruto about to go into his. Going up to him, I got down onto my knees and looked straight into his eyes, that look exactly like his fathers'. Wrapping my arms around his small little body, I brought him close to him, and hugged hims as tightly as I could. Naruto looked incredibly confused at me, as I unwrapped my arms and entered my own apartment.

I had kept my promise to Minato and Kushina. I took care of Naruto when he was just a little tiny baby. I changed his diapers, fed him, I nurtured him, as I would is he were my own but I would always hurt inside. Every time I saw his face, I would always see Minato. That picture of him would always create a deep wound in my heart. Once he got older, the pain I felt was more intense. He looked like a carbon copy of Minato. But soon, I felt the pain too much to nurture him… He looked exactly like my Minato did, when we first met in the training ground. I begged the Hokage to make try to take care of Naruto, because I just couldn't do it any more. He eventually gave in, and took care of him, until he was old enough to take care of himself. Then, he gave Naruto his own apartment, right next to mine. Naruto never did find out about me, and I never said a word.

Once I entered my apartment, I quickly went to my desk and wrote a letter. I didn't exactly know why I wrote, but I didn't, but I didn't have any one in particular in mind, while I wrote it. It was just a condensed version of my life, a way out of this pit of sadness I dug up myself. I talked about how I love him, and all of my pains. Once I was done, I signed the bottom of the letter with my name, and left it on my desk. I left my house to get some dinner at the ramen stand Minato would always take me and Kushina to. Ichiraku's ramen stand. Giving him a smile, I ordered seafood ramen, and ate. As I ate, I started to think, and as I started to think, I started to remember. As I started to remember, I started to feel worse. Once I was done, I left the owner a large and generous tip. As they protested, I waved away their words, and told them that it was my way of thanking them.

Walking up to my apartment door, I unlocked it, and entered my home, but this time was different. I didn't enter with a sad expression, and slouched over as my thoughts were plagued of memories of Minato and I. I entered with straight back, and with determination in my eyes. As I looked up at the moon outside my window, I thought of Minato, and I couldn't help but smile. It wasn't one of my fake, or self-pitying smiles. It was a genuine smile, the first one in years. In the letter I left at the herb shop, I was thanking Mai and Yoko, and apologizing to them. I also told Yoko to keep my pay check. I honestly didn't need it… Not anymore, at least. It may seem insane to be smiling when I feel so miserable, but at the moment, it feels so right.

I'm smiling because it was the end. I'm smiling because I know that everything would be over soon. I know that the pain in my heart would soon disappear, and so will I. I know that what I'm planning on doing is incredibly crazy and foolish, but quite frankly... I don't care. All I can think about right now, is being free. The pain... The despair... It will all be over in a matter of seconds. That's the only thing I can cling onto know. I have nothing left in this world. My story has been a tale of tragedy, from the very start. And now, I'm finally happy, because it's the ending. Even if I lost everything... Even if I lost my happiness... my love... my heart, my story will end happily because I'll be free of this burden. I'll finally be able to... be able to see my Minato... my best friend... my only love... at last...

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><p><strong>And that's a wrap! So? What did you think? Meh? Good? Bad? Needs improvement? Let me know! I want your comments! You <strong>_**know**_** you want to review! And to those who review, I thank you! *Bows down while holding out my black top hat***

**P.S: If you're confused about the quote thing, then I'll explain. To make my stories a bit more different, for every piece I write (whether it's a one-shot of just a chappie), I'll always add a quote that seems to fit the scenario.**

**Let me know what you think! I want to improve, so it won't be terrible, and torture my beloved readers! Please! *Insert puppy eyes*  
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**Sincerely The Phoenix of Tears**


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